when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
