wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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