why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
