Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
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