I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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