I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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