You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
