If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
