So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
one might say we're banned from that church
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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