party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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