I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
