Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
