I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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