i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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