You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
