I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
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