Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
