Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
