i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
