I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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