don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
