The maid of honor just puked.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
