FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
