I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
