maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
