It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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