So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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