There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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