That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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