Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
