I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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