Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
