My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
