Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize