Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
