I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
