Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
