He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize