Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize
