I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
