but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
