well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
