well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
