my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
