if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
