Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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