just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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