god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
