how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
