seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
there is another microwave in the elevator.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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