Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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