I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
