dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
