A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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