i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
