So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My ass is underappreciated
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
