the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
