He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
