Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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