i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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