He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
