did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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