Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
